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June 17 True Confessions......My recent trip to China started me thinking about all of the crazy and maybe unusual things that I've done in my life, so I decided to make a list of the things that keep popping into my head. Maybe some of the things aren't that unusual, but it just seems to me that the list as a whole is a bit whacky -
I promise that I'll write about the trip as soon as my mind can make sense of it - but right now, I just needed to get this crazy list out of my head....
1. Been to China 2. Used an outhouse for its intended purpose 3. Slept in the same bed that Bill Clinton and Michael Jackson slept in (not at the same time!) 4. Piloted a paddle-wheeler on the Lake of the Ozarks when I was 17 years old 5. Intimidated a 6'6" St. Louis Gang-banger and made him back down and shut-up 6. Driven a tractor 7. Ridden in an eighteen-wheeler 8. Watched the Epcot fireworks from a private yacht on Lake Epcot 9. Designed and built a house 10. Been within 20 yards of a full-grown moose in the Rocky Mt. National Park 11. Driven on a road with snow piled up on both sides higher than the top of an SUV 12. Watched the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean 13. Watched the sun set over the Pacific Ocean 14. Made pillows out of a feather bed 15. Helped wash clothes in a wringer washer 16. Picked ripe peaches from the tree 17. Spent 8 hours decorating 2 birthday cakes for my grandmother's 75th birthday party 18. Judged a little kid's beauty pageant 19. Married a man I met on the internet 20. Lived in a one-bedroom apartment, a mobile home, a barn and a house with a swimming pool 21. Been flashed 22. Survived cancer 23. Seen Carlsbad Caverns 24. Been to the top of the Washington Monument 25. Collected unemployment compensation 26. Made homemade apple butter 27. Swam in a river 28. Correctly guessed the number of pennies in a quart jar 29. Lost an election that I really wanted to win 30. Lost an election and was sort of happy about losing March 02 Nothing in particularI opened this window, not even knowing what i was going to write about... hmmm, that's weird, usually I have some idea of at least a starting point. I tend to meander off the original intent, but there's always a starting point. Not so, today. Guess I'll just keep typing and see where we end up. Delete is a marvelous thing, so if you never see any of this, don't feel left out, that just means that it was even crappier than the usual drivel.
The week was crappy weather-wise, but my seasonal state of down-in-the dumps is a little better. My Aunt June gave me a tidbit to remember that helps some. 'There are reasons for the seasons'. yep, we're doing a mighty fine job of killing off bugs this winter, and I do like wearing sweatshirts, they are soooo comfly... so winter isn't all bad. I'm still tired of the ice and snow, but it's March, so we should be through with the worst of winter... time to move on to those soft spring showers and blooming azaleas.
Work is work... and as Joe says, that's why it isn't called vacation. I like having cool stuff and eating and not sleeping in a cardboard box, so I guess I'll keep working, and I hope they keep paying me.
We had a leap day this year - February is a weird month for me - lots of life-events happened to me in Februrary. I got engaged at age 40, on Valentine's day. The odds of a woman in her 40's getting married are astronomic, I don't know exactly what they are, but it's something like 100 to 1. I started my first-ever real job on Valentine's day, 31 years ago, and I started the first job of my new Pennsylvania-life on Leap-Day, 2000. I still remember the scared feeling I had, and that my mom made me a sandwich to take for supper for the first job (it was an evening shift job). I still remember the scared feeling I had while driving to the PA job, too, but for that job, I was greeted at the door by the Department Assistant who handed me a bouquet of 2 doz. tulips and welcomed me to the organization.
Well, guess that's enough rambling - I probably should hit delete, but I don't have anything better...so we'll leave it at this for now. :)
February 17 Rainy Days and (the day before) MondaysIt's not Monday, but it is raining today and like the song says, I'm a little down. I've been struggling with a bug this week - I felt bad enough to stay home on Tuesday and Wednesday, although I did work a few hours each day. Feeling bad, a heavy work load, family disturbances, and just winter in general are wearing on me. We had about 6 inches of the white stuff, mixed with some freezing rain this week, and I'm just tired of it - I think that there's a reason that God had me 'borned in the south'. It's pretty to look at if you never have to touch it, but when you have to deal with it for days on end, ugh, I don't deal well with dealing with it. I'm whiney today - sorry.
On a more positive note - Joe brought me the new Stephanie Plum novel and a heart-shaped box of Betsy Ann Chocolates for Valentine's day, I cooked roast beef and homemade mashed potatoes for supper last night, (yum) we watched Ratatouille on our crappy-cable company's Video-on-demand last night and enjoyed it, (it's a very cute movie, even if it is a little disturbing to think of rats cooking in a restaurant), and I actually slept late this morning. (woo-hooo!) so, even though it's raining - it could be worse!
September 08 Ugh! I've Been TaggedSo, my pal Bob from Subdivided We Stand & Marathon Man tagged me... I don't know... it's some sort of blogging game I guess... you are supposed to post the rules, (see below) then reveal 8 things about yourself and then tag 8 other bloggers... ok, cool, I'm always up for a little self-deprecating humor...
Here are the rules:
Since real stuff about me isn't very interesting, how about a twist on the list.... 8 things about me that I wish were true?
I'm tagging my cousin John at Life as I know it, and others to be named later.
January 26 Snowy DayOk. my mom asked for a few photos of the new space, so here are a few taken this morning. The snow has been falling off and on for about 24 hours now. It's very fine and powdery since the temperature is hovering around 20 degrees.
I especially like the way the sunroom photos turned out. The chair you see belonged to my grandmother's grandmother on my mother's side of the family and the sewing machine that is serving as a TV stand belonged to my grandmother's grandmother on my father's side. I'm sure both pieces are well over 100 years old. Even though we didn't bring them in a covered wagon, they still traveled across the plains with me when I moved here from Missouri. I think it's ironic that they end up next to each other in a house in PA.
That TV belonged to my sister at one time. it's not an antique, it's just old. We made a trade of some sort - I think she got a set of electric curlers that I never used and that have long-since gone to the land-fill somewhere. I got the TV. It still works most of the time even though it does have an annoying buzz when it's on channel 8. I resisted putting a TV in the sunroom for awhile, but over Christmas we got a small flat panel for the home office because this one took up too much space and was too heavy to hang on the wall. I'm glad we put it in the sunroom because I can watch the morning news and drink my coffee at the same time. Once again, Joe was right... I really hate that! January 20 Saturday Morning -Saturday mornings are the best!
I usually wake up earlier than Joe and have an hour or so to just let my mind drift. When I disconnect like that, there are no rules - i just sit and drink coffee and let my mind wander to whatever suits it's fancy. It's probably no surprise that my thoughts are all over the board, but you might be surprised to know that I've actually hit upon a few good ideas this way. None of my earth-shattering revelations come to mind at this very moment, but honest-to-pete, I've come up with some really good things during my quiet time.
More often than not, I just recharge my batteries and come away with a quiet peacefulness. Sometimes my thoughts wander to a lingering sore-spot, and if they do, I just let them run their course without actively trying to solve the problem or deny the feelings the thoughts invoke.
This morning, as I sat in my sunroom drinking my favorite brew, my mind slipped back to the farm and for the first time since the move, I let it go there. After about 3 or 4 minutes of letting my thoughts walk through the house I realized that no matter what the circumstances, not even if the ELL's begged and pleaded and offered to pay for movers and cut the rent in half, I didn't want to live there anymore. Hmmm, closure is good. Joe would say - 'it's about time'!
In celebration of that, here's a before and after picture. Quaint old barn vs. Screwed up ticky-tack box. The photo labled Bed&Breakfast is of the Farm House with the house barn in the background.
January 01 Catching upNew Year's Day seems like a good time to catch up -
I read back through the past year - my blogging was irregular, but it did seem to capture the main occurrences of the year - both the milestones and the millstones!
A few things to catch you up, since I last posted in November .....
Good Thing -
My company's fall meeting in Boston was a success - Even though I was conflicted about making the job switch, I'm glad I did. I've made great friends at work and feel like I'm part of a world-class team. I think I've contributed and the staff (and my boss) seems to appreciate the way I do my job.
A not-so-good thing -
I tallied up the hours I turned in on my time sheet this year - I averaged working 55 hours per week, and I know there were undoubtedly hours I worked that never made it onto the timesheet. Planning 3 major meetings and 2 workshops in a little over a year is a big load. Hopefully, next year will be less intense - I've changed a lot of the procedures and things should be easier.
Things-to-be-thankful for -
We made the annual Christmas trip to SE MO and had fine weather for travel, (always a concern for a 900-mile road-trip this time of year) and a fine visit in general. Got to spend time with the nieces and had probably the best 30 - 40 minutes I've ever spent with niece number 3 - Aly. Her mother dropped her at my parents house one morning and Joe and Aly and I had lunch together and just talked. Aly told us about a typical school day and we had a conversation about our favorite things. We actually connected and I couldn't be more thrilled. Aly is bright and funny, but due primarily to her world-class jerk of a father, her nine-year-old life has not been the easiest and she can definitely cop an attitude. On top of that, or maybe because of that, my sister and my mother tend to hover over her to the point of suffocation ... so I rarely get a chance to just BE with her... it seems like such a simple thing to just have lunch with my niece, but this was more than that, and it meant the world to me!
More things to be thankful for -
We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary yesterday, and I'm thankful for this strange, stubborn, wonderful man I married. He's difficult to understand sometimes, he's frustrating and often short-tempered, but he's also caring and generous and supportive. He pushes me to always be better and he doesn't back down from me when I get on my high-horse about something. He's the love of my life and I cherish him. I want to brain him with an iron skillet sometimes, but I treasure him none-the-less.
Just like Goldilocks, we searched and searched and found a house that is just right. I hardly ever miss the farm anymore. We got a Christmas card from the son and daughter-in-law of the ELLs (see the July and August postings) and I appreciate that they took the time to send the card and wish us well. They are good folks and I miss seeing them and their kids. I do not miss the ELLs, but I no longer wish a meteor would fall on them... I guess that's progress.
Even though the Steelers didn't make the playoffs this year, I'm still thankful for last year's wild and crazy ride, and I'm thankful that the Bus got his Superbowl ring. I think that this year's suckiness is a pay-back of sorts for that. As a fan, it's a price I'm willing to pay to thank Jerome for his service to the team.
There are many, many more things to be thankful for, but for now, I'll leave you with a sincere wish that you have love and laughter and good times; that you learn and grow from your struggles when the times aren't so good, and that your life is better in 2007 than it was in 2006.
Until next time - Happy New Year.
October 11 And Life Goes On -----Today, October 11, is the 11th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. Big, big, BIG sentence I just typed there.... 11 years, that's big! 11 years ago it was hard to imagine that this day would ever come. During those first few days and weeks I was too busy just trying to get through the next 10 minutes... sometimes, just getting through the next 1 minute was a challenge.... so, yeah, 11 years is BIG.
Obviously my life changed on that day, and as I sit here this morning in my wonderful new home, in front of my wonderful new computer with my wonderful cup of Starbucks Cafe Verona by my side, I have a million and one emotions running through my head and my heart. You see, intellectually I know that that diagnosis and the events that stemmed from it, was the best thing that ever happened to me... but on a purely emotional level, I have tears running down my face right now when I remember the struggle that resulted from it.
I never did finish the cancer saga that I started months ago - perhaps one day I'll do that.... relate the details of the cancer and the treatment in the hopes that my experience can help someone else deal with it, but for now, the only thing that really matters, the only thing of any significance at all is that it's over, and life goes on.
I learned lessons during that time that I couldn't have imagined learning. And I didn't think I needed to learn any lessons... what arrogance! I thought I was strong, but now I know what strong really is, I thought I knew how valuable family and friends are, now I never, ever take the love and support they offer for granted. It's a gift that they give, not something that I'm owed.
I was never mean-spirited, but I think the experience of having cancer and being fired from a 20-year job, and experiencing the black cloud of depression (induced by the cancer medication and fed by the situation), made me kinder and gentler, more humble, more aware of other people's struggles, more sympathetic.... (and that was something that I definitely needed to learn!)
It also made me more selfish... that seems at odds with the previous statement about being kinder and gentler doesn't it, but are those two things mutually exclusive? I don't think so. I think i've learned how to listen to me, how to pay attention to my heart and my head. I've learned that I have good instincts and that, more often than not, if I go with my gut, it will work out ok. I've learned that life is all about change and growth and that nothing lasts forever.... not the bad times, or the good times, so they each should be savored and valued for what we can take from them that will help us through the next experience.
Heavy stuff for a Wednesday morning, huh? Sorry about that, but this is one of those days of reflection for me... and while I don't wear my cancer experience on my sleeve anymore, it is important for me to reflect and remember and not get too far away from the lessons it taught me.
thanks for listening!
September 28 We're home!What a crazy week it's been. I'll tell you more about it later, but just a quick update to let you know that we're in the new house. We're tired, but boy do we like it here.
More later -
September 16 ....... and Shakin'The situation with the ELL's (Evil Landlords) has gone from bad to worse. Something very sureal happened on Monday. Mrs. ELL was outside in front of our house when I got home from work. She had a garden rake in her hand and was scratching around in the gravel that used to be our driveway. I saw her start toward me as I parked in our designated space near the pasture. I was on the phone with Joe at the time so it took a minute or so to wrap up the conversation. When she saw that I didn't get out immediately, she stopped in her tracks and started her gravel-scratching. I opened the car door and she started toward me again - I turned to retrieve my purse and a bag from the front seat - she stopped and scratched - I got out, she came toward me - I opened the back seat door to get a box and she stopped to scratch yet again. I could tell that she was purposefully timing her walk across the yard so that she would intersect me near the goofy-looking ramp they've added to the new front porch. Her face was full of hate and she held the garden rake in a very menacing grip, with the tines pointed up and turned toward me. I have to say, even though she's an old lady she has exhibited some definite outbursts of anger through this ordeal and I was scared that she was going to take a swing at me with that rake.
As she approached me, I continued my walk toward the ramp so that I could go inside. She stopped directly in front of me and glared. It's as if she was waiting for me to say something so that she'd have an excuse to explode. I didn't say a word, just stepped around her and continued, but I did hold the box that I was carrying so that it was between us, just in case.
By the time I got inside, she'd gone on her not-so-merry way, leaving me pretty darn shaken up. I can't wait to get out of this nut-asylum.
Movin' .........While it has been a long time since I blogged, it has not been boring in our corner of the world. We're moving to a new corner and we're both really excited about it. The house we found seems almost perfect for us. It's not our 'dream house' but after looking at roughly 400 houses, online and in-person, we've both realized that our needs and wants just aren't that readily available. There are probably a few logical reasons that houses with our criteria are scarce - like, we were looking in the 'starter home' price range but wanted a house with 'mature' features. Things like minimal steps, upgraded bathrooms, lots of storage space, small yard..... blah blah blah. It's been depressing and frustrating and we're both relieved beyond belief that the search is over.
The house we found has most, if not all, of the things we wanted, but more than anything else, it feels like home. We found it as if it was one of those things that was meant to be and almost every detail in the buying process has been that way too.
The house went on the market on a Thursday, on the following Saturday, Joe and I looked at 6 houses in person and none of them were right. I was depressed in a major way and wanted to put an offer in on something just so that we could get out of this hell-hole that has become our home. Joe, in his usual maddeningly deliberate way, said that we should look for one more week before we gave up and chose the best of the worst.
(When I say 'best of the worst' I don't mean to give the impression that we were looking in slums and ghettos. We were looking at very nice houses in very nice areas, they just weren't right for us. We'd pushed our price range up from our original target by almost $80,000 (totally out of our comfort zone!) and in our real estate agent's terms, we still couldn't find anything that would "blow our socks off".) (I'll tell you more about her another time - but what a gem she has been...)
So, after a disapointing day of looking, we came home and crashed... both depressed and not in the mood to talk or think or do much of anything else. I sat down at my computer to check my email. When we first started the search process, I'd set up automatic email alerts with several of the local real estate agencies. It was a simple sort-type alert, you choose among categories that meet your criteria and when a house that meets your requiements goes on the market, a notification is sent to you by email. I'd been receiving between 4 and 10 of those alerts a week and usually each alert had between 8 and 15 houses listed. I took a quick look at the accompaning text and saw that there were only 3 properties listed. Over the previous weeks, I had been faithfully looking at each house on the list but on that night I just couldn't face more disapointment so I went to bed without checking the details on any of the listings.
The next morning that email was still in my system tray - I hadn't closed it out... something that I NEVER fail to do... but I still ignored it. Later in the day, I finally decided that I'd take a look so that I could delete it from my inbox. I dutifully clicked on each of the first 2 houses - both at the high end of our 'adjusted' price range - and quickly hit the delete key. The third one was on the low end of our original price range so I had almost no hope that it would even be worth the time and energy it took to click the mouse on the description, but click I did...
The photo opened up and I took a breath.... the description opened and I sat up a little straighter in my chair. I clicked on the map icon to see where it was located, expecting it to be in outer Timbuktu. It was 5 miles from my office and 20 miles from Joe's office, with easy access to the interstate. I looked at the price again to make sure I hadn't misread it and turned to Joe and said 'I think I found our house'. He said, "yeah, right, you've said that before" but turned from his computer to look anyway. He quietly said, "you'd better call her, quick."
I sent an email to Ms. Super-agent that night, we looked at the house the next day and put an offer in immediately. The seller counter-offered and we accepted. From listing to signed agreement, the house had been on the market exactly 1 week.
The amazing thing is that the photos on the web-listing really don't do the house justice. Here are a couple of photos I took while we waited for the inspection to be completed.
August 27 Shhh, a quiet Eureka!We think we've found it, our new Corner of the World. We're not saying much about it yet because the way things have been going for us lately we don't want to risk anything happening to cause the deal to fall through. We, (or rather me... I don't think Joe's told a soul) have told a few friends and a few family members, but we are definitely not telling the ELLs or anyone else right now...So mums the word, ok? I will say, we're both cautiously excited.
Cautiously excited, because we both have a tendency to expect that things are NOT going to work out for us. It's a result of the traumas we've both been through, and yes, it is stressful to live with the other shoe hanging over your head continuously. Certainly, most of the stress is self-induced, but it seems that if I ever do let my guard down, some sort of drama happens. You see, I'm a planner. By nature and by occupation...and fear of the unexpected is my worst enemy....so... I fret and anticipate bad things and make contingency plans and then stew about the back-up plan for the contingency plan. Yes, it does tend to drive those around me nuts, but thankfully they understand my quirkiness and seem to love me anyway, and for that, I'm grateful. And, on the off-chance that a situation does develop.... I have a first-aid kit, a flash light, a tape measure and a Starbucks card in my purse at all times.... I'm definitely the girl you want in your corner!
The inspections are scheduled for this week...if that goes well, maybe I'll post a few photos. (we don't expect anything major as a result of the inspections, but you never know....we're not taking anything for granted and are definitely keeping our fingers crossed).
August 20 Still on the HuntWe're still looking. Seems my time is consumed with searching real estate websites or looking at houses in person. We looked at 6 houses in person this weekend, and I'd make a conservative guess - no exageration here - that I've looked at the descriptions and pictures of at least 500 houses online.
One good thing about spending so much time thinking about houses, is that I'm less focused on the chaos going on around us. Joe asked me today which of the stages I was in - he grinned when he asked because he knows very well that I'm still stuck in 'anger'. He's made it to acceptance.....
I'm sure I'll get there too, - probably a couple of years after we get unpacked and settled in the new house....
August 11 Quick Housing updateWe found a couple of houses that went on the 'short list'. As Joe says, they didn't knock our socks off, but we could live in either of them if it comes to it.
We're looking again on Saturday. The Nieces are going with us to look - hopefully they'll bring us luck!
On that note: When I'm with these girls, I remember just how much I miss them. They are remarkable young women - two completely different personalities, but both spectacular. We've spent good, quality time together and I'm so glad that I listened to Joe and didn't over-react to this deconstruction/construction mayhem and cancel their visit. That would have been the true tragedy in the situation.
We're taking the girls to dinner in the city and a play tonight. I can't wait to share that experience with them.
August 06 And the Hunt is ON!The house hunt is in full swing - thank goodness for the internet and online searches. We can eliminate and narrow down our search without ever having to leave the computer.
Hopefully we'll find something workable soon. We really need to get out of here. The destruction and construction is a freakin' mess, and the ELL (Evil Landlords) are becoming more and more impossible. They have no respect for our privacy, going so far as to enter our home anytime they choose - and get this, they leave the doors unlocked when they leave. We came home from Boston Thursday evening to find the sliding doors unlocked and every light in the house on. To top it off, they'd screwed with the electricity and the breaker for the refrigerator was thrown... the ice was still in cube form, so I don't think it had been off long, but who wants to risk salmonella? We tossed anything that was even questionable....
On a positive note - our 2 older nieces will be here Wednesday and will stay with us for a few days! We can't wait to see them and spoil them silly!
July 26 Destruction UpdateThe destruction of our home is moving along quiet nicely... now that's not a phrase you hear everyday, is it?
Today, the bedroom windows overlooking the pasture were ripped out and replaced with 4x8 sheets of particle board... lovely, simply lovely. I'm considering rehanging the curtains over the particle board, just because this whole experience is so surreal that it seems appropriate. Maybe I'll paint a cow or a few trees on the particle board too...don't you think that would be beautiful?
Joe's doing a little better this week...we're taking turns being depressed so that at least one of us remains functional. In the spirit of fair play, we've even developed a few ground rules for landlord-bashing....I think bashing is a healthy way to help us cope with this crap...but we were fearful that we would get lazy and over-use the easy names so we've enacted the 24-hour rule to make sure that we provide our dear landlord with quality name-calling. We wouldn't want to short-change the dear by not giving him our best work.
The 24-hour rule, simply stated, is that we are only allowed to use the vulgar and disgusting names we've been calling the landlords, once every 24 hours. See that definitely encourages creativity, and forestalls complacency, but let me tell you, by the end of the day, it's pretty tough to come up with something appropriate to call them.
By 8 p.m. last night, Joe had used every name in the book, (and his book of names is VERY extensive) so when the phone rang and the caller ID indicated it was Simon Legree, all Joe could come up with was "bad person". That would have been very sad....but you see, I saved the day....I'd kept a really good one in my back pocket yesterday for just such an emergency. (in the interest of younger readers, the actual name has been withheld)
Of course, as the windows were coming out this morning, I pretty much went through my whole catalog for the day. (not quite as extensive as Joe's but it got the point across) Unfortunately, I think I'm down to that disgusting term... 'naughty boy'. I sure hope Joe's got something saved back today, the way things are going, I'm sure we'll need it.
Be honest now, how many of you can say that you've had 2 Amish boys stick their heads through your 2nd-story bedroom window? July 23 The Soon-to-be Not HereI'm not sure the topic is exactly right, but it's how I feel this morning. I've avoided updating about anything even remotely significant for a couple of weeks because I haven't been able to organize my thoughts about this. Maybe I can do so this morning - we'll see.
I'm angry - beyond fit-throwing, beyond cussing-a-blue-streak, beyond caring, angry. We've been EVICTED.
Even the word evicted has a nasty ring to it.... it's full of heart-break and tragedy and just plain meanness. Our dear sweet landlords have been taken over by evil aliens and for some reason only God knows, have decided to move into our house.
We got this joyful bit of news literally 10 minutes before we were to leave for Toronto, and I can't tell you how the bottom dropped out of our world. Joe shut down... and has continued to have the deer-in-the-headlights look ever since. His personality has reverted to that of the withdrawn cave dweller I first met. He can't sleep and has random moments of outrage when he comes across something on the never-ending list of things that will change, as he goes through his no-longer normal day.
I haven't even told you the best part of the story. There is major construction going on around us. We were told on Friday, July 7 that MAJOR destruction and construction was going to start on Monday, July 10, and remember, we had to leave....I had no option, I was working....Joe had scheduled vacation to go with me, but offered to stay behind to baby-sit the destruction....I couldn't face the thought of him here alone dealing with that, and I couldn't face the thought of me there alone dealing with the emotional distress that I felt.... we needed to be together during this, so we decided he should go and that we'd deal with whatever happened while we were gone, when we returned. In hindsight, it was the best decision... but it was hard to leave not knowing what sort of mayhem was going to take place, and how our beloved home would be changed.
I cried as we drove down the lane, and continued to cry most of the way to Erie. I don't like admitting that I cry, but this was truly a sad moment in our lives...I realized within the first 30 seconds after hearing the news that the impact on our lives was going to be huge, I knew it was probably going to affect the remainder of our married lives. You think I'm being a little dramatic here.... I am, but let me explain....
I know that there are worse things that could have happened, I'm not naive and I'm not ungrateful for the good things in our life, but this is a major hit and it will change our lives. Aside from the emotional issue of losing our home, which is big for both of us and I'll explain that another time, the most obvious and dramatic impact will be financially.
You see, retirement planning is king in our family. When we decided to get married, Joe promised me that if I left my home and family in Missouri to marry him, he'd move anywhere I wanted once he retired. Every day I go to work it's with one goal in mind, one single purpose... to earn enough money so that we can afford to retire and move closer to my family as soon as we can. I enjoy my life here, I like my job and for the most part I like the region, but it's not home... as much as I kid myself and try to pretend that it is, I know in my heart that I'm just putting in time until we can move back south. Joe knows it too, and we weigh every major purchase in terms of how it will affect retirement.
Retirement was projected to be between 4 and 6 years from now, dependant upon the stock market and of course life circumstances such as health and the state of the world...
Now, we'll have to pull from money earmarked for retirement savings so that we can pay movers (with our load of stuff, it will cost close to 5 figures to move) (I kid you not, it cost over $6000 to move here!) Joe's been so shell-shocked by this that he's determined that we're going to buy rather than rent, and while I'm happy that he finally wants to do that, it does mean more money out of the well for down-payment and closing costs.
The bottom-line result is that retirement is probably pushed back at least a year... maybe more.
....and our landlord's position on this when we confronted them about things like leases and appropriate notice (you know, all those legal things that are apparently meaningless to them) ..... " well, sometimes we do things without really thinking it through.... we just didn't realize that this might affect anyone else, but we want you to stay until the construction is finished. (so that you can continue to pay a ridiculously high rent and continue to support us! ... they didn't actually say that last part out loud.)
I'll explain the whole series of events another time... for now, I can't stand to think about this anymore.
P.S. and yes, that is our deck furniture out in the pasture, right where the contractor moved it while we were gone. I'm sure the construction workers enjoy it immensely during their breaks!
June 11 The Old BagsIt's not really spring anymore, but I've been on a cleaning binge lately, no particular reason except that our house is a junk magnet and we're outgrowing our space. We've reached a stage of critical mass and the rules of spacial relationships have gone into effect; some of the old stuff has to go so that we have space for new stuff.
So, in light of the current state of junkiness, I've been on the hunt for un-used, un-needed items to toss or donate and I came upon a bag with 2 purses inside. I'm a purse freak... freak in the best sense of the word, of course. Almost every woman I know has as many purses as they do shoes, not me. I hate to shop for purses. I have pretty specific requirements and I once let fashion and 'cuteness' fool me into buying an expensive worthless bag, so now I'm even more careful and that just makes purse shopping miserable. I even developed one of the credos that I live by as a result of that particular purse shopping experience. "Life is too short to be annoyed by an $80 purse". So now I tend to buy purses that last for years, decades really, and I just don't change them. Besides, no one I know will go shopping with me if they think that I'm going to shop for a purse.
Anyway, back to the bag of bags. The two purses inside were two-thirds of my trilogy of navy-blue bags. About 20 years ago, I found a style I liked and bought three bags at once, a small, a medium, and a large (just like the 3 bears!) and I alternated these bags depending upon my need at the time. They were nice leather, and cost way more than I should have spent at the time, but I knew they were exactly right for me and that I'd get good service out of them, so I bit the bullet and plunked down plastic to the tune of about 300 bucks. Considering that I carried one or the other of the bags everyday for more than 2 decades, seems like I got my money's worth.
Last spring, the smallest of the three gave up the ghost and I held a brief memorial service and sent it on it's way to that great purse graveyard in the sky. (or landfill in Montana, whichever the case may be). I'd retired the set after the demise of the small one, they were all begining to show their wear and they just didn't feel right anymore, but I guess I just didn't want to part with them, thus, the bag 'o bags in the closet. Today, in a cleaning frenzy, out they went. I went through them before tossing them gently into the garbage bag. Twenty years of service reduced to a pile of old tissues, the bits and scraps of paper that always find a way to the bottom corner of the bag, loose change in various denominations to the tune of $3.16, and a handful of pens and markers that may or may not work. I'm depressed, seems a little like flushing a dead goldfish down the toilet.
March 20 Roadblocks in My Path - Part IIThe Diagnosis -
Note: when last we left our girl heroine, it was early October, 1995 and all was decidedly not well. Doc Christy, the lovable and brilliant family surgeon, had ordered more tests on the path to ..... THE DIAGNOSIS.
October 1 through 10, 1995
More tests were ordered, in my mind it was a foregone conclusion and I wanted to get on with the fixin' but since they had to have something more conclusive than "patient is sure it's the big C" to submit to the insurance company, I humored them.
Compression Spot Mammogram - sort of like a regular mammogram except they use a special plate on the squeezing part of the machine so that they can concentrate all of the pressure on the spot over the lump. Yes, it hurt like the very devil, but it was over in about 20 seconds, so I could stand it. Results - atypical spot, inconclusive, more tests needed.
Breast Sonogram - just like a pre-natal sonogram, only they check out what's going on inside your breast. Nothing painful, just goopiness from that gel they used. I'm convinced that the technician knew that the lump was cancerous the minute she saw it on the screen. She was friendly and open and all that changed when the spot became visible... she became all business-like and turned the screen away from me. When I asked what she saw, she said, I can't give you that information, but it's a solid mass." I said, is that bad?" and she couldn't look me in the eyes. I knew, and she knew I knew, and that was the end of the conversation. Official results - atypical mass, unable to rule out cancer, more tests needed.
Stereotactic biopsy - this one would tell the tale. I'd finally told my parents about the lump. They were pretty involved in their own lives during this time, but considering what I was pretty sure was coming 'round the bend, I had to tell them. My mom went with me for this test and I was glad that she was along. The apparatus looked like a stretcher with a hole in the middle of it. I was on my stomach with my breast protruding through the hole. My breast was then placed in a mammogram clamp and they took x-rays and repositioned me until everything was in the right place. The area was deadened with a local anesthetic and a small incision was made directly over the lump. A large hollow needle was inserted directly into the lump and five tissue samples were removed. A mammogram picture was taken each time the needle was inserted so that they could verify the location of each sample. All told, it took about 1 hour to remove the five samples.
It wasn't particularly painful, I had to remain still and in the mammogram clamp the entire time, they did release the pressure a bit between samples so while it was a bit uncomfortable, it wasn't unbearable.
Afterward, I had some bruising and tenderness, but nothing that a couple of Tylenol couldn't handle. I saw the samples in the beaker. They were huddled on the bottom of the beaker in some clear liquid and each one had a black stripe about 1/3 of the way down. I have no idea what the significance of the stripe is but it struck me as odd so I remembered it. I learned later that samples that sink = bad, samples that float = not so bad.
I didn't expect to hear the results for a couple of days so I went off to work the next day figuring that I had at least 2 days to pretend that life was still normal. Wrong - I got the call about noon. Doc Christy's nurse called and wouldn't tell me a darn thing except that the Doc wanted to see me - that afternoon. I knew the nurse would have told me if it was nothing, so I gathered up my stuff and let my boss know I was leaving...
I made a stop at Debby's house and she dropped everything, including her 3 year old son. (actually, she left him with her mother) and we set off on the longest 1 hour drive I've ever had.
I'll never forget the look on Doc Christy's face as he opened the door to the little treatment room. I'm not sure what he expected me to do, but he sort of looked like he wasn't sure if I was going to cry and flip out, or slug him. I did neither. His first words were, "we have a problem." Mine were, "I figured as much. What do we do now?" and he spent the next hour outlining treatment options, and survival statistics. I was really glad that Debby was with me. It was comforting to know that she was there listening and absorbing the information too. Little did I know, that for the first 5 minutes after Doc walked in the room all she heard was a loud clanging sound ringing in her ears. (that has since become her defense mechanism when bad news is imminent).
Over the next year, I learned a lot about breast cancer, but on that day, I realized that I didn't know diddly! I had lots of options and lots of information to digest and I just felt woefully ignorant and completely unprepared to make reasonable, informed decisions. It was time to do something that I do really well. Research.
Coming soon - Lumpectomy time!
March 11 Roadblocks in my Path - Part IPart I -
A chronicle of the events that put me where I am today.
Somewhere around the 30th of July, 1995.
My sister and I went on a get-away vacation to the gulf coast and had an encounter with hurricane Erin. I didn't want to leave. It was only forecast as a level 1, and I wanted to stay and experience it... Looking back, I'm not sure why I wanted to stay. It was (and still is) out of character for me to be a thrill-seeker, but for some reason I had a strong urge to experience that power and excitement. My sister insisted that we leave and we argued about it. We argued about a lot on that vacation...it was probably the worst vacation I've ever had... there were things that happend that were fun but mostly, it sucked. I think she felt the same way about it, too.
August 2, 1995.
We had dinner at a very nice restaurant, (one of the nicer experiences of the whole trip) and then began our journey northward out of the path of the hurricane. We planned to drive a few hours until we were far enough inland to be safe and then stop for the night. We were naive, or just plain stupid. We stopped at every little burg and hamlet along the interstate looking for a place to stay that night, but since thousands of other people had the same idea there were no motels/hotels to be found until we reached Jackson, Mississippi at about 3 a.m. We stayed at a downtown hotel, and for the first time in my life, I paid over $100 for a hotel room.
I don't remember the reason but there was more arguing, and extreme tiredness and at some point I remember lying on the bed in the dark and having an overwhelming feeling that something was terribly wrong with me.
August 3, 1995 - My 37th birthday
Lunch at Wendy's and a stop at an antique/junque shop along the road. A very nice experience. The shop owner served us lemonade and let us pick and poke through lots of neat stuff. I bought a couple of things and my sister and I both thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
Late August, Early September
That feeling of wrong-ness I'd had in the hotel room persisted. It would strengthen and fade, sometimes really pronounced, other times just a little tickle in the back of my brain, but it was always there. Conditions at my job were horrible during this time, my boss's boss was pure evil, which kept my boss stirred up and on my case even though we'd worked well together for nearly 20 years. Family life was pretty stressful during this time too, my mother had just started working outside the home for the first time in her life so she was more stressed than usual, my dad didn't react very well to mom having a job, and his own job was making him crazy, so they were really having a rough patch. Both my sister and I were being alternately pulled into the fray and frozen out... which made it a frustrating situation for everyone. I attributed a lot of the wrong-ness feeling to these two situations and tried to just work through it.
Around September 12th, 1995
The stresses continued, and a new one was added.
I'd always been diligent about doing breast self-exams. Channel 12, our local CBS affiliate, had a program they called Buddy-Check 12, where on the 12th of every month they did promos and reminders for women to perform a breast self-exam. I did my exam that month and clearly remember the feeling when my fingers first touched the lump. Believe it or not, at that point it was almost calming to me. There were moments of fear and uncertainty later, but at that moment it was a relief. The pieces of the puzzle fell together and I remember thinking, 'there it is, that's what you've been waiting for.'
Late September, 1995
I made an appointment for a mamogram, my first, and waited. I didn't tell anyone, and when the day came I took a couple of hours off of work and went alone. The lump was fairly easy to feel. It was in the upper outside area of my right breast, near my armpit. The technician who performed the mamogram actually felt it when she moved me into position, and of course, it showed up bright white on the films. There was no question that something was there and that it was growing. I hadn't felt anything on the August 12th Buddy check, and now, 5 or 6 weeks later, there was a lump the size of the end of my thumb. 1.4 centimeters to be exact, but I didn't find that out until a month or so later.
First week of October, 1995
Following the mamogram, I had an appointment to see our family surgeon. That sounds strange, but it's really true. Dr. John Christy had been involved with our family for decades, begining with our beloved Aunt Ann. As a very young surgeon he treated her for colon cancer, then treated and saved my brother's life when he was involved in a car wreck in 1980. Throughout the years, when we were in medical trouble or needed doo-hickeys cut off or stitched up he was the doc we'd see. I had my lumpy films sent to him so he could tell me what the next step was in the process.
I knew it was cancer, there was never a doubt in my mind or soul, but I also knew that I'd have to go through the testing and diagnosis process. My sister went with me for the initial consultation with Doc Christy. He wanted more tests... no surprise. He told me that the lump was suspicious because it had more than 3 lobes. It looked like a four-leafed clover to me, how lucky.
I still hadn't told my parents about the lump - they had enough on their plates and I just didn't feel like sharing the info yet. I did tell my first cousin Debby. We were close in age and close in spirit and I knew that I would be able to lean on her if I needed to... boy, was that an understatement. Over the next year, she became my rock, my anchor, the person that I could count on no matter what. There's a good possibility that she saved my life, but there is a 100% certainty that she made it liveable.
Coming soon -
Part II - The Diagnosis
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